Ben Higgins Broncos - Freeform/Fred Fuhrmeister
Featured Relationships

Here’s the Hardest Part About Being Single

By Ben Higgins

This is not intended to be a sob story.

Truth is, I am single, and my friends are all taken. The facts: 70% of my friends are married, and 30% are dating someone who they believe they will marry. And this affects my personal life greatly.

So, I present you with my bourbon-soaked revelations about what it’s like to be the single friend among a bunch of coupled-up folks. I once believed I’d get married before any of my friends. I’d always desired a relationship and sought a partner to attack life with.

Now I look around and realize I am late to the game.

To give you some insight, when I’m not home alone writing a blog entry then you can find me out to dinner as a third or fifth wheel, exploring Colorado with friends, or attending a loved one’s wedding. Recently, I’ve been alone for most of these events. I appreciate alone time and my life is full of people I love. But I feel your pain, single people. Here are my unsolicited observations:

Friends, I need you

I have amazing people in my life. The ones closest to me are God-fearing, honest, intelligent, and caring individuals who’ve invested in me more than I could have ever dreamed. I need them, and I need them outside of their relationships. My advice for singles: Find friends who are willing to navigate life with you no matter your relationship status or theirs. Friends are crucial — we all need healthy, supportive, trusting relationships.

I am fine

Seriously life is good. It really is for us single people. It may not be what we dreamed. But it is still so good… if we let it be. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7-8 that it easier to be single in life if we can control the urges and temptations that exist as a single human. Life as a single person allows us to focus on incredibly important things like our passions, careers, and non-romantic relationships. However, I believe life is richer when we have someone to partner with.

Sometimes, I am lonely

I’m not always lonely; I mean, I’m an only child so I do enjoy my nights alone. But I also love experiencing life with my people. The hard part is realizing none of my people, my closest friends, are mine. I share all of them with someone else. It’s especially evident with my friends who have married siblings; once a sibling finds his or her partner, the relationship with their brother or sister takes a backseat (and it should).

Loneliness can be incredibly beneficial for self-exploration. Use this time of quiet and alone-ness to get to know yourself better. One of the best things in life is when we are no longer a stranger to ourselves… So take the time to get to know you.

I think a lot — probably too much. I’m constantly analyzing where I’m at in life. But then I pull myself up by the sandal straps, take a look at myself, and I like what I see. I’ve identified the parts of me that I love, and I’ve determined the parts I need to work on to be my greatest self. I’m stubborn, and these parts take work. But doesn’t everyone have something to work on?

Someday I hope to meet someone who will help me fix my worst parts while strengthening my best ones, and I’m excited to do the same for her. Love is a crazy thing… Now back to my thoughts.

 

What’s the best part about being single? The worst?

Image by Freeform/Fred Fuhrmeister

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19 Comments

  • Reply
    Chelsea
    January 3, 2018 at 5:54 pm

    I’m so glad I came across this article today. I have my ups and downs in being single. Today is kind of a down day.

    For me, I think the best part of being single is the ability to invest in and serve other people (friends/coworkers/small group members) that God brings into my life. For me, I think the worst part of being single is the uncertainty. Not knowing if or when someone will come along.

    Thanks again for your thoughts. 🙂 They are very relatable for me.

  • Reply
    Sara
    January 3, 2018 at 7:22 pm

    This was a timely word for a similar season. Thank you for this perspective.

  • Reply
    Katelyn
    January 3, 2018 at 7:24 pm

    Yessssssss! I am so right there with you Ben! I just turned 31 and am realizing that this year I will be attending some of my last weddings… because the majority of my friends are married… and now starting families. And while I can’t say that I’ve dreamed of my wedding day ever since I was a little girl, I have always thought about the life I want have with my future husband. Although it’s frustrating having not found “my person” yet, it’s comforting to know that my married friends will be there to help celebrate me when that time comes (and hopefully offer plenty of marriage advice). Until that time comes, I will continue to learn and better myself while appreciating the season of life that my friends are experiencing.

  • Reply
    Molly
    January 3, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    As the great Carrie Bradshaw once put it– we all have our “secret single behaviors” –those things you do when no one is around and those same things you can’t do in front of a partner in fear they might think you’re weird. –those behaviors are the best part of being alone.

    The worst is seeing all the babies being born, I want babies and I want my babies to know my friends’ babies. (this might be too sappy) I want someone that wants to have babies with me. I think seeing my friends and siblings have that companionship, all while knowing I don’t have it. That’s the rough part. Luckily I have nieces and nephews to snuggle and spoil, and I get to snuggle and spoil my friends’ miniatures as well!

  • Reply
    Julie
    January 3, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    Your points are spot on. Thanks for sharing and articulating the benefits and woes of a single among all the “pairs.”

  • Reply
    Monica Martinez
    January 3, 2018 at 8:01 pm

    Hey Ben thank you for sharing your blog on the hardest part of being single! I think a lot of us can definitely relate to this story. Listening to your story helps others understand and see things from a different perspective. Like you said, life is good but at one point it’s great to share exactly what we are feeling! As a fan I am proud of you and you do great things to make the world a better place. Just keep believing in yourself and keep smiling. You will find a great woman to share and grow a life together !

  • Reply
    Darby
    January 3, 2018 at 8:15 pm

    This was a fantastic read. Thank you for sharing. I think you nailed the pitfalls, needs, benefits and feelings that come with being single. They each seem to ebb and flow in their own time. And it’s SO nice to find an honest post about these feelings from a good guy. Thanks again for sharing! Cheers to 2018, staying eternally optimistic and finding crazy good love!

  • Reply
    Aly
    January 3, 2018 at 8:16 pm

    Thank you for writing this! I am in a similar life situation and it’s nice to know others are too. I can absolutely relate.

  • Reply
    Yunnie Kim
    January 3, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    Ben this might be the most relatable blog post I have ever read on this site. Literally every single word resonates with me. It’s so true that lonely nights happen, we need our friends, and it’s a time of growth. I think my favorite part of being single is being able to try new things and become more confident in myself. Thanks for sharing such honest thoughts! 🙂

  • Reply
    Amie Bohannon
    January 3, 2018 at 8:29 pm

    I’ve been single the majority of my adult life (just crossed 30). Some of it has been hard and unfair, and some has been rich and adventurous. The best part of it for me has been being free to be whimsical, spontaneous, and adventurous. I can make my own choices and be and go wherever the wind blows me with no strings attached. I dont have to ask permission from anyone but Jesus. The worst part is the loneliness and times you think something must be wrong with you for you to not have matched with even just one person in the hundreds of thousands you encounter in even just a year. Society doesn’t make it easier either, it’s built to offer discounts to couples and families, and at church or even out of it there are rarely ways to meet singles above college age, because most everyone out of college is, well, married or committed to someone they will marry. It’s also hard not getting texts or calls from significant others like your friends do from their husbands or boyfriends checking in on them, concerned for their wellbeing and happiness, or if they need a ride or what time they will be home or that they miss them. I am grateful however that Jesus continues to be that person in my life though, concerned for my well being and happiness, and cradling me in times of intense loneliness. The part where you mentioned needing your friends outside of their relationships is so very true. I do wish many of my friends would be able to detach themselves from their significant other long enough to catch a movie, or have a night out. Bottom line, It’s not always easy, and maybe God doesn’t have a person for me, or maybe just not yet. I don’t know, I just know that if it’s God’s will, then it’s what best for me. I long to be married and have children, and God longs to fulfill all my desires, hopes, and dreams, and so in that, I trust him, and I hold on, and remain grateful for the blessed and beautiful life I am gifted to live. Great peice, singles are often overlooked for their needs and this summarized it very well! Thanks!

  • Reply
    Amanda
    January 3, 2018 at 8:56 pm

    That was beautifully said! I couldn’t agree more with every single word. Thank you for sharing!

  • Reply
    Amanda
    January 3, 2018 at 9:25 pm

    Hi Ben!
    Huge fan then, still am now. It’s so awesome to see you using your platform to better and enlighten individuals. I enjoyed reading your blog today, but was left wondering how your dating life has changed since being in TV and having the opportunity to date most girls (as the crazies will throw themselves you)? What about your experiences has made finding a partner more difficult? Maybe you found an independence, which has made finding a partner less of a priority?

    Either way, all works out when one stops looking. Love your passions and great to see your doing so well!

    -Amanda

  • Reply
    Ashley
    January 3, 2018 at 9:36 pm

    So so true.

  • Reply
    Alyssa
    January 3, 2018 at 10:03 pm

    I relate so much to your words. Thank you for sharing and exposing this vulnerability. However, I challenge you to change your perspective on finding someone to “help you fix your worst parts”. I understand the concept, but I don’t think you need “fixing”; you need growth and love and experience and wisdom. You’re not broken. Granted, I don’t know you personally – only from your time on the Bachelorette/Bachelor (where I was rooting for you in both!) and from your social media feeds, but it’s clear that you are someone who cares more about others than himself and about putting good out into the world. Long story short, embrace the progress you’ve made and the journey you’re contining on. And remember, you’re not broken 🙂

  • Reply
    Whitney D
    January 4, 2018 at 12:16 am

    Thanks for being willing to share as a man instead of pretending like everything is great when it just might not be. Every mountain has a valley.

  • Reply
    Lyndsay
    January 4, 2018 at 10:15 am

    I believe that society has created this perception that being single is a punishment but in all reality, it’s truly a blessing! Don’t get me wrong, my biggest desire is to be married but at the end of the day, my relationship with Christ comes first. Whether single or married, our purpose is the same & that’s to live this life running after The Lord. We have to get it right with God first before we can get it right with anyone else. He needs to be our foundation on which we build our other relationships on. Every season has its purpose & during this season it’s important that we learn how to “Wait Well” by shifting our focus from the Object of our Desire to the Person of our Faith, Jesus. We need to trust in His PERFECT timing and allow Him to use this season to fully equip us for what’s to come! We need to align our hearts with His because He knows the desires of our hearts & His promises never return void!

    Also, if you enjoy reading, Single. Dating. Engaged. Married. by Ben Stuart is an absolute must! 🙂

  • Reply
    Jill Helfrich
    January 4, 2018 at 10:36 am

    Great post, Ben! A good reminder to us marrieds not to leave our single friends in the dust! Also, as you know, keep Christ first and the rest will fall into place in the perfect way, at the perfect time. Not easy in the waiting though….I know! Keep on keeping on! 🕇❤

  • Reply
    Mandii
    January 5, 2018 at 6:59 pm

    I relate to this so much! I’m trying to appreciate being single, but with constant social media posts of engagements, marriages, and pregnancies it can be rough at times. I’ve changed my prayers to “help me find a husband, Lord” to “you know my heart, but help me to understand your will for my life.”
    In the meantime, I’m going to work on being the best daughter, teacher, and woman I can be!

  • Reply
    Brittany Strohmeyer
    January 6, 2018 at 12:48 pm

    1. I appreciate the fact that this was “bourbon-soaked.”
    2. Your words are very, very valuable.
    3. I would be curious to see how your loved ones responded(new blog idea?).

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