The Mahogany Workplace's Ben Higgins "Here's the Hardest Part About Being Single"
Relationships

Here’s the Hardest Part About Being Single

By Ben Higgins

This is not intended to be a sob story.

Truth is, I am single, and my friends are all taken. The facts: 70% of my friends are married, and 30% are dating someone who they believe they will marry. And this affects my personal life greatly.

So, I present you with my bourbon-soaked revelations about what it’s like to be the single friend among a bunch of coupled-up folks. I once believed I’d get married before any of my friends. I’d always desired a relationship and sought a partner to attack life with.

Now I look around and realize I am late to the game.

To give you some insight, when I’m not home alone writing a blog entry then you can find me out to dinner as a third or fifth wheel, exploring Colorado with friends, or attending a loved one’s wedding. Recently, I’ve been alone for most of these events. I appreciate alone time and my life is full of people I love. But I feel your pain, single people. Here are my unsolicited observations:

Friends, I need you

I have amazing people in my life. The ones closest to me are God-fearing, honest, intelligent, and caring individuals who’ve invested in me more than I could have ever dreamed. I need them, and I need them outside of their relationships. My advice for singles: Find friends who are willing to navigate life with you no matter your relationship status or theirs. Friends are crucial — we all need healthy, supportive, trusting relationships.

I am fine

Seriously life is good. It really is for us single people. It may not be what we dreamed. But it is still so good… if we let it be. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7-8 that it easier to be single in life if we can control the urges and temptations that exist as a single human. Life as a single person allows us to focus on incredibly important things like our passions, careers, and non-romantic relationships. However, I believe life is richer when we have someone to partner with.

Sometimes, I am lonely

I’m not always lonely; I mean, I’m an only child so I do enjoy my nights alone. But I also love experiencing life with my people. The hard part is realizing none of my people, my closest friends, are mine. I share all of them with someone else. It’s especially evident with my friends who have married siblings; once a sibling finds his or her partner, the relationship with their brother or sister takes a backseat (and it should).

Loneliness can be incredibly beneficial for self-exploration. Use this time of quiet and alone-ness to get to know yourself better. One of the best things in life is when we are no longer a stranger to ourselves… So take the time to get to know you.

I think a lot — probably too much. I’m constantly analyzing where I’m at in life. But then I pull myself up by the sandal straps, take a look at myself, and I like what I see. I’ve identified the parts of me that I love, and I’ve determined the parts I need to work on to be my greatest self. I’m stubborn, and these parts take work. But doesn’t everyone have something to work on?

Someday I hope to meet someone who will help me fix my worst parts while strengthening my best ones, and I’m excited to do the same for her. Love is a crazy thing… Now back to my thoughts.

 

What’s the best part about being single? The worst?

Image by Freeform/Fred Fuhrmeister

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32 Comments

  • Reply
    Chelsea
    January 3, 2018 at 5:54 pm

    I’m so glad I came across this article today. I have my ups and downs in being single. Today is kind of a down day.

    For me, I think the best part of being single is the ability to invest in and serve other people (friends/coworkers/small group members) that God brings into my life. For me, I think the worst part of being single is the uncertainty. Not knowing if or when someone will come along.

    Thanks again for your thoughts. 🙂 They are very relatable for me.

  • Reply
    Sara
    January 3, 2018 at 7:22 pm

    This was a timely word for a similar season. Thank you for this perspective.

    • Reply
      Borg Holst
      February 24, 2018 at 4:45 am

      I am back with the same thing.
      What you did at the batchlor spoilt your feelings. As a Christian playing and kissing all those woman made you not able to trust you feelings for Lauren and it is the same for you now. Your heart feelings for Lauren will always be there mixture of love and guilt. Only Jesus can help you to be free

  • Reply
    Katelyn
    January 3, 2018 at 7:24 pm

    Yessssssss! I am so right there with you Ben! I just turned 31 and am realizing that this year I will be attending some of my last weddings… because the majority of my friends are married… and now starting families. And while I can’t say that I’ve dreamed of my wedding day ever since I was a little girl, I have always thought about the life I want have with my future husband. Although it’s frustrating having not found “my person” yet, it’s comforting to know that my married friends will be there to help celebrate me when that time comes (and hopefully offer plenty of marriage advice). Until that time comes, I will continue to learn and better myself while appreciating the season of life that my friends are experiencing.

  • Reply
    Molly
    January 3, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    As the great Carrie Bradshaw once put it– we all have our “secret single behaviors” –those things you do when no one is around and those same things you can’t do in front of a partner in fear they might think you’re weird. –those behaviors are the best part of being alone.

    The worst is seeing all the babies being born, I want babies and I want my babies to know my friends’ babies. (this might be too sappy) I want someone that wants to have babies with me. I think seeing my friends and siblings have that companionship, all while knowing I don’t have it. That’s the rough part. Luckily I have nieces and nephews to snuggle and spoil, and I get to snuggle and spoil my friends’ miniatures as well!

  • Reply
    Julie
    January 3, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    Your points are spot on. Thanks for sharing and articulating the benefits and woes of a single among all the “pairs.”

  • Reply
    Monica Martinez
    January 3, 2018 at 8:01 pm

    Hey Ben thank you for sharing your blog on the hardest part of being single! I think a lot of us can definitely relate to this story. Listening to your story helps others understand and see things from a different perspective. Like you said, life is good but at one point it’s great to share exactly what we are feeling! As a fan I am proud of you and you do great things to make the world a better place. Just keep believing in yourself and keep smiling. You will find a great woman to share and grow a life together !

  • Reply
    Darby
    January 3, 2018 at 8:15 pm

    This was a fantastic read. Thank you for sharing. I think you nailed the pitfalls, needs, benefits and feelings that come with being single. They each seem to ebb and flow in their own time. And it’s SO nice to find an honest post about these feelings from a good guy. Thanks again for sharing! Cheers to 2018, staying eternally optimistic and finding crazy good love!

  • Reply
    Aly
    January 3, 2018 at 8:16 pm

    Thank you for writing this! I am in a similar life situation and it’s nice to know others are too. I can absolutely relate.

  • Reply
    Yunnie Kim
    January 3, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    Ben this might be the most relatable blog post I have ever read on this site. Literally every single word resonates with me. It’s so true that lonely nights happen, we need our friends, and it’s a time of growth. I think my favorite part of being single is being able to try new things and become more confident in myself. Thanks for sharing such honest thoughts! 🙂

  • Reply
    Amie Bohannon
    January 3, 2018 at 8:29 pm

    I’ve been single the majority of my adult life (just crossed 30). Some of it has been hard and unfair, and some has been rich and adventurous. The best part of it for me has been being free to be whimsical, spontaneous, and adventurous. I can make my own choices and be and go wherever the wind blows me with no strings attached. I dont have to ask permission from anyone but Jesus. The worst part is the loneliness and times you think something must be wrong with you for you to not have matched with even just one person in the hundreds of thousands you encounter in even just a year. Society doesn’t make it easier either, it’s built to offer discounts to couples and families, and at church or even out of it there are rarely ways to meet singles above college age, because most everyone out of college is, well, married or committed to someone they will marry. It’s also hard not getting texts or calls from significant others like your friends do from their husbands or boyfriends checking in on them, concerned for their wellbeing and happiness, or if they need a ride or what time they will be home or that they miss them. I am grateful however that Jesus continues to be that person in my life though, concerned for my well being and happiness, and cradling me in times of intense loneliness. The part where you mentioned needing your friends outside of their relationships is so very true. I do wish many of my friends would be able to detach themselves from their significant other long enough to catch a movie, or have a night out. Bottom line, It’s not always easy, and maybe God doesn’t have a person for me, or maybe just not yet. I don’t know, I just know that if it’s God’s will, then it’s what best for me. I long to be married and have children, and God longs to fulfill all my desires, hopes, and dreams, and so in that, I trust him, and I hold on, and remain grateful for the blessed and beautiful life I am gifted to live. Great peice, singles are often overlooked for their needs and this summarized it very well! Thanks!

  • Reply
    Amanda
    January 3, 2018 at 8:56 pm

    That was beautifully said! I couldn’t agree more with every single word. Thank you for sharing!

  • Reply
    Amanda
    January 3, 2018 at 9:25 pm

    Hi Ben!
    Huge fan then, still am now. It’s so awesome to see you using your platform to better and enlighten individuals. I enjoyed reading your blog today, but was left wondering how your dating life has changed since being in TV and having the opportunity to date most girls (as the crazies will throw themselves you)? What about your experiences has made finding a partner more difficult? Maybe you found an independence, which has made finding a partner less of a priority?

    Either way, all works out when one stops looking. Love your passions and great to see your doing so well!

    -Amanda

  • Reply
    Ashley
    January 3, 2018 at 9:36 pm

    So so true.

  • Reply
    Alyssa
    January 3, 2018 at 10:03 pm

    I relate so much to your words. Thank you for sharing and exposing this vulnerability. However, I challenge you to change your perspective on finding someone to “help you fix your worst parts”. I understand the concept, but I don’t think you need “fixing”; you need growth and love and experience and wisdom. You’re not broken. Granted, I don’t know you personally – only from your time on the Bachelorette/Bachelor (where I was rooting for you in both!) and from your social media feeds, but it’s clear that you are someone who cares more about others than himself and about putting good out into the world. Long story short, embrace the progress you’ve made and the journey you’re contining on. And remember, you’re not broken 🙂

  • Reply
    Whitney D
    January 4, 2018 at 12:16 am

    Thanks for being willing to share as a man instead of pretending like everything is great when it just might not be. Every mountain has a valley.

  • Reply
    Lyndsay
    January 4, 2018 at 10:15 am

    I believe that society has created this perception that being single is a punishment but in all reality, it’s truly a blessing! Don’t get me wrong, my biggest desire is to be married but at the end of the day, my relationship with Christ comes first. Whether single or married, our purpose is the same & that’s to live this life running after The Lord. We have to get it right with God first before we can get it right with anyone else. He needs to be our foundation on which we build our other relationships on. Every season has its purpose & during this season it’s important that we learn how to “Wait Well” by shifting our focus from the Object of our Desire to the Person of our Faith, Jesus. We need to trust in His PERFECT timing and allow Him to use this season to fully equip us for what’s to come! We need to align our hearts with His because He knows the desires of our hearts & His promises never return void!

    Also, if you enjoy reading, Single. Dating. Engaged. Married. by Ben Stuart is an absolute must! 🙂

  • Reply
    Jill Helfrich
    January 4, 2018 at 10:36 am

    Great post, Ben! A good reminder to us marrieds not to leave our single friends in the dust! Also, as you know, keep Christ first and the rest will fall into place in the perfect way, at the perfect time. Not easy in the waiting though….I know! Keep on keeping on! 🕇❤

  • Reply
    Mandii
    January 5, 2018 at 6:59 pm

    I relate to this so much! I’m trying to appreciate being single, but with constant social media posts of engagements, marriages, and pregnancies it can be rough at times. I’ve changed my prayers to “help me find a husband, Lord” to “you know my heart, but help me to understand your will for my life.”
    In the meantime, I’m going to work on being the best daughter, teacher, and woman I can be!

  • Reply
    Brittany Strohmeyer
    January 6, 2018 at 12:48 pm

    1. I appreciate the fact that this was “bourbon-soaked.”
    2. Your words are very, very valuable.
    3. I would be curious to see how your loved ones responded(new blog idea?).

  • Reply
    Elizabeth Gates
    January 18, 2018 at 10:36 pm

    Reading throughout the comments, I’m pretty sure they’re all from girls. So here’s one more 😊 I think being single pushes us out of our comfort zone too. It can be incredibly empowering and actually fun to treat yourself to a movie, or tour a museum or solo vacation. Of course having a partner to share those experiences with would only enrich them, but doing it alone can show you a new perspective. PS- Boiler Up 🚂🏀

  • Reply
    Amy S
    January 19, 2018 at 9:10 am

    Your post resonates with me so much! I have been single for 2 years and while there are amazing moments of self-discovery and growth, I know there is a next stage for me in finding the person I will be with and there are moments of loneliness and eagerness for that. I so appreciate your perspective and keeping your faith as your compass in this season of life. You are a really special guy – you give me hope for finding the kind of man I’m patiently waiting for!

  • Reply
    Jessica
    January 19, 2018 at 9:36 am

    Hi, Ben! It was so refreshing to read your article. You’ve been the one bachelor I’ve looked up to as a true, Christ-like man. That’s what I continue to pray for as I’m still single and just turning thirty. It’s scary sometimes- but that’s when secular views consume your mind. When you focus on God and your Christian roots, you’re able to remain faithful and happy in the place you are and trusting that the Lord has someone planned for you. Our road just might have a few additional bumps and curves to it =)
    Thanks 🙏🏼

  • Reply
    Lexi
    January 19, 2018 at 9:49 am

    Ben,
    I enjoyed reading how genuine you were throughout your blog post, the truth of positives and negatives we do endure as we navigate a season of singleness.

    To all, as we reflecte on 1 Corinthians and Paul’s life we notice the praises he sings for being single and the temptation we may avoid. Truthfully he’s reminding us to enjoy this moment in time where we can give our undivided devotion to our Lord. Although I’ve viewed singleness poorly, I’ve come to really reflect and see that this time is purely a joy and time for us to have undistracted ministry to those we’re surrounded by.
    Yet I know this season is hard and I do pray each person who comes along this post and comment will find hope as we reflect on Paul’s words, to restore hope & ambition in our hearts of the not-yet-married. Allowing us to fully set ourselves on our mission through our singleness. Know that you are not alone, you are loved by a God who desires you daily. When His timing is right you’ll find the one who feels like an extension to yourself, putting one another first, naturally and effortlessly. You’ll find a love that only our God could have intended, eager to serve your other half, strengthing weaknesses and encouraging their strengths. Life won’t be easy, yet hand in hand, with our Creator at the center, it’ll all be worth our wait for the not-yet-married.

  • Reply
    Megan
    January 20, 2018 at 9:51 pm

    Best part about being single is definitely having an undivided heart, while this should be our aim when married, it’s honeslty probably done with more ease
    When single. Love the verse you shared.

    Hardest part…loneliness. I believe loneliness is a prerequisite to leadership, so while it may have its blessings in itself, it is lonely to be single. A marriage should be one of the greatest blessings on earth, a true representation of Christ and the church. I believe this is something that is only experienced if it’s truly God’s will, and the wait for that can be lonely.

  • Reply
    Tara
    January 23, 2018 at 10:33 pm

    Not settling for less than what God has for you is important. life throws us curve balls and sometimes the dream or picture we had suddenly flips upside down but the most important thing to remember is God has us in the palm of his hand and we have to keep the faith, hold on to God and hold on to the ones that God has blessed us with in our life!

  • Reply
    May Ann Villanueva
    February 13, 2018 at 6:38 pm

    Hi Ben, thank you for allowing God to used you as a vessel of hope for us hopeful woman of finding a godly man. I am single for almost 8 years now and I am 34 years old. What I come to realize is that singleness is a process or stages we have to undergo where it is the time to enjoy yourself, learn to love yourself and discover about yourself. Embrace the freedom and be bold to take new adventures.

  • Reply
    Tatzia
    February 19, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    I’ve recently been spending time in Acts and in seeing Paul’s conversion I have a growing admiration for him and God’s grace. Up until a few months ago, I never knew we were called to be single. I’m still in the stage of my life where most people in my life are in relationships and haven’t made the commitment of marriage, but are well on their way there. I, like you, assumed I would be one of the first one’s married, especially having been in relationships from the beginning high school to the end of college. Now as the last of my friends are being scooped up, I had this growing fear of being left in the dust. Then as I came across 1 Corinthians, I remember a calm rushing over me. We are first called to be single like God. I had always assumed being committed to someone was expected. I do resonate with your points about being completely fine but still lonely. It’s this awkward balance of feeling content but also hopeful for a certain future. I’m finally at terms with my singleness and grateful for it. It was great read and very relatable!

  • Reply
    HIba
    February 20, 2018 at 7:39 pm

    Hello Desperate Bachelor, or should I say desperate actor. Okay that was a little harsh, but could you blame me. I am not one to judge on whether or not you were on the Bachelor for the right reasons, or whether you actually fell in love or not. One thing I can say is that if you truly want “everlasting love” then leave the public eye, find someone away from the views. So stop taking part of these ridiculous shows, and find someone who is not after a luxurious life. Also whoever says being single isn’t bad is just lying, no one wants to feel lonely, and no one wants to be a third wheel. So look for new single friends, who will introduce you to more single women. Find someone and hold on to them, try to make it work even if you find it difficult, we didn’t choose our parents yet we love them, you chose this person try to love them.
    Now to the moment of truth. Why are you doing this Ben? Why are you posting these blogs? Going on these shows? To heal? We both know spending time on this is not going to help you heal.
    I posted this right after watching you leave the Bachelor winter games, because I felt something snap in you. Hope it really did “snap”.

  • Reply
    Alyssa Gayle
    February 23, 2018 at 12:44 pm

    Pulling on my heartstrings. The things you say are almost an exact replica of the things I say on my blog. I can 100% relate. Gets me in the feels.

  • Reply
    KAYLA OYLER
    April 3, 2018 at 8:15 am

    Ben, thank you for sharing this. It’s hard being single and seeing all your friends getting married and having kids. Your really happy for them, but it makes you wonder if it will ever be my turn. I can relate to everything you said. I keep telling myself, that my time will come and its when God wants it to happen. Looking forward to more of your posts!

  • Reply
    Sarah
    April 9, 2018 at 11:11 pm

    Ben, I know you’ve probably heard it a million times, but thank you for being a man of integrity who is not afraid to know themselves and share that vulnerably with others. There are too few men in this world who want God to have a place in their life. I can tell you are genuine and it is refreshing to see. This blog post was on point. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. You have a gift. I pray God blesses you with an understanding and compassionate wife in His perfect timing.

    – Sarah

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